Wednesday, 10 February 2010

  • Waiting on uncertainties, why?

    I'm selfish, I don't wait for others, they're a waste of time.



    "while i'm in the waiting room, a thousand thoughts i think of you.
    whatever you did, it's got me glued. it's icky, it's sticky, ooo.
    you're the one i'm dreaming of, why does this feel like wasted time?
    what a price is traveling love? you and me trapped between these lines."
    Waiting Room - No Doubt

    I would love to go to a psychologist and have them explain to me why someone as impatient and ambitious as me would get herself trapped in a situation that confines and puts me into a place of perpetual waiting. I wonder to myself, how have I not grown bored or driven myself insane? On so many levels, this patience I seem to have is vastly unlike me. I am not the type to wait around in the hopes that people will realize my worth, I am the type to say "fuck it" and let them realize it after I have walked away. I am the type to move forward with my life, not stopping for anyone. I am fiercely independent and not willing to wait on uncertainties.

    Yet, despite the way this situation mocks the very base of my personality, I find myself still stuck alone in a waiting room. It is much like waiting the results for a medical test, hoping for the best and praying that what comes next will not be horrible. I suppose I am rooted in this spot, not out of necessity, but out of desire. I have a morbid curiosity, I want to know whether all this wasted time is worth it and whether I am worth it. Never before have I been so captivated, so intent on being liked. For the first time in what seems like a long time, I actually care what someone thinks of me.

    Maybe the source of my patience is rooted in the way this presents itself as a challenge. The unlikeliness that anything will ever come of it, drives me to try harder and face the odds. Maybe I am drawn to the fact that I hold no power in the situation, as twisted as that sounds. I have no control, which is terrifying to a control freak like me, but also kind of exciting. Maybe I am a bit masochistic, drawn to the pain I cause myself in the process of waiting.

    I suppose this is something I am just over analyzing, once again, but I am one for introspection. I psychoanalyze myself (and others), thinking up justifications and possible reasoning for everything. I want to know the source of this apparent patience I seem to have when it comes to him. I also wish there was a way to measure the amount of patience I have, how long until I push him away in frustration and give up on waiting on uncertainty. Hell, I do not even know what his current state of mind towards me is.

    If I walked away, would it make a difference?

    Are you a patient person? Do you seek to understand your self and motivations?


Monday, 08 February 2010

  • I loathe you, oh really?

    "Well you hate me, right?"

    "You know I'm kidding," he says laughing. Yet, the thing is, I don't actually know. While I am sure it is safe to say that I know he is not serious when he claims the "very sight of [me] makes [him] want to gouge out [his] organs out with a frozen tibetan man," I cannot help but wonder how he actually feels about me. (The creativity of that statement was too great to not re-quote it. Actually, I'm going to put it on tumblr.) In all actuality though, I never know where I stand with people, in general.

    My social interactions have always been unpredictable, I have a hard time identifying how others feel about me. Several times since childhood, I have been betrayed or had people I trust turn around and tell me they hate me. I suppose I am reluctant to believe the good in what people say, for lying comes easily to humans. With the amount of times I have been hurt through naively believing the words of others or reading into their actions, it comes as no surprise.

    Even in the words people use, I catch contradictions. I notice the subtle and obvious differences in the way people act and speak, amongst different people. While noticing these these things, I confuse myself. I over think every little thing and end up worse about everything. Perhaps I am truly insane, relying on logic to understand feelings.

    I do not know how anyone truly feels about me, I know what they say they feel.

    What about you, do you believe others easily?
    Do you take everything for truth?




Sunday, 07 February 2010

  • Sixteen Things in My Head (not including my two brain cells)

    I shall share sixteen random thoughts.

    Photo 192


    1. Valentines Day
    Ah. I am really not a fan of holidays, especially ones promoted by Hallmark to make money and capitalize on all those who happen to be in a relationship. Maybe I am just bitter, but I do not see the point. Last year on Valentines Day, I was competing in the UFV Provincial Qualifier for wrestling. The years before that, I got some lame cards and candies from friends and whatever guys I have been with at the time. So far, I have never had that "special" Valentines Day, only Hallmark cards and over-priced commercialized candies. Call me skeptical, but I have never had my negative view on this day proved wrong. Once again this year, I have no "valentine."

    2. 2010 Winter Olympics
    I am in Vancouver right now, chilling at my dad's house and contemplating ways I could possibly be more bored. Yet, earlier today I had a good time walking along the waterfront with my family (Zachary- it's a fucking Aquabus, not Waterbus) and observing the downtown buzz. There was a multitude of decent looking foreign guys. Call me trivial, but the Olympics do not interest me for much more than people watching. Though, I laugh at all the people coming here expecting the winter in the Winter Olympics. Sorry to disappoint, but it is amazingly beautiful and mild. Even the we(s)t coast rain is holding off.

    3. Emily Rose Rhodes
    Thursday was probably one of the best days I've had in awhile, hanging out with the person who makes up the "package" described by teachers. I love Emily. I wrote her an intense wall post, featuring lots of letters making lots of words. ("Emily. oh. Emily. I am immensely bored and I think you should be on MSN and grace me with your presence. I need your completely random nonsense and witty remarks about people we mutually dislike. I cannot wait for tomorrow, when you and I shall go galavanting around Vancouver accompanied by whomever comes with us. I look forward to being surrounded by art and hot foreign guys in town for the Olympics. My father is watching Saturday Night Live (on timeshift) and Them Crooked Vultures are playing. I thought of you and realized they are a decent band. I am here going to remind you of our meeting "as a package" with Mr. French next week. There was a time when you thought I might be a sociopath, which would be totally believable if not for my undying love for you. As we sit in Math class, laughing over "un phoque" and chicken feet and dividing by zero, I think that Calculus next year will be either fucking amazing or complete hell. I think I just wrote a novel on your wall. ♥ ♥")

    4. I have a math review that I should probably do.
    (Like hell I'm going to actually do it.)

    5. I might be murdered.
    I told my mom I only skipped a free block on Friday, while in reality it was English and Student Aide. She will actually stab me when I return from my father's house. Bye everyone.

    6. EDNOS, go die, kay thanks.
    Get the hell out of my life.

    7. Starbucks.
    I would kill for a Starbucks drink right now, even though I had one today and two yesterday. Speaking of Starbucks yesterday, I had a fucking amazing time with Brooke, Brad, Nick and Shannon. I forgot how great it was to hang out with mature, yet funny people. And Brooke... "WHY ARE YOU AVOIDING ME?"

    8. My seven year old sister just added me on Facebook.
    I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be at least thirteen to use it... hm. Fuck, now I have to make sure I limit the visibility of my stuff, I have a tendency to make sexual comments and use inappropriate language. (Emily is a fucking whore, what?)

    9. Facebook relationship statuses.
    Why the fuck do fourteen year old girls claim to be married to people? That's kind of weird. Also, "it's complicated," hm? What exactly does that mean?

    10. Skins is amazing. Best show, ever. I love Naomi and Jal.

    11. My father bought me the seventh season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, got to appreciate his efforts.

    12. Zachary, you owe me a hug and to hang out with me.

    13. I like the number 13, it makes me smile.

    14. Another horrible photo.
    That photo is a heart directed at all you lovely Xangans who make my blogging experience amazing. I love you all. It's a weird photo I know, but photobooth is a tool and I don't look great right now.

    15. *dies*
    It is exceedingly weird seeing a photo of me and my ex and my dad's computer in the photobooth files. Oh god- there are like 15 of them. Delete. Delete. Delete.

    16. Shannon, oh Shannon
    ѕнαииσи says: (10:13:23 PM): Is 420 tomorrow?

    Anyways. That is all. Hope you all are having a great weekend.

    Have you ever been to Vancouver?
    What does "it's complicated" mean to you?
    Is seven too young for Facebook?
    Starbucks or Tim Hortons?

  • I'm too mean to straight-up say no.

    I should feel bad, oh well.

    Steve says: (11:54:14 PM)
    We should date Gloria:)
    ` glow * says: (11:54:24 PM)
    why?
    Steve says: (11:54:35 PM)
    I don't know, you're cute and entertaining.

    ----

    ` glow * says: (11:57:51 PM)
    Have you forgotten that we very rarely talk and when we do I am a complete bitch?
    Steve says: (11:58:18 PM)
    I can look past your bitchy exterior, I know you're nice on the inside.
    Steve says: (11:58:33 PM)
    And we would talk more if we dated.
    ` glow * says: (12:00:11 AM)
    LOL. You give me too much credit, I am not a nice person.
    Steve says: (12:01:22 AM)
    You were nice when I met you, and you seem to be able to nice to other people.
    ` glow * says: (12:02:16 AM)
    Who am I nice to?
    Steve says: (12:02:56 AM)
    Emiry and Shannon
    ` glow * says: (12:03:07 AM)
    I call Emily a whore.
    ` glow * says: (12:03:23 AM)
    And I'm always yelling at Shannon
    Steve says: (12:03:24 AM)
    Emiry is a whore.
    Steve says: (12:03:31 AM)
    Doesn't seem mean to me, seems truthful.
    Steve says: (12:03:46 AM)
    And that's a good quality in someone.

    ----

    Steve says: (12:09:14 AM)
    So you going to accept my date or no?
    ` glow * says: (12:09:35 AM)
    No. I'm kind of in a complicated situation with Zack.
    Steve says: (12:09:45 AM)
    D'aw :(
    ` glow * says: (12:09:51 AM)
    You knew that too.
    Steve says: (12:10:04 AM)
    Yeah I wasn't too sure what was up with that.
    Steve says: (12:10:34 AM)
    Well, if you ever get out of that situation and are in need of a boyfriend, you should tell me :)

    Haha, interesting conversation.

Friday, 05 February 2010

  • My (lack of) Photography Skills

    I had an amazing day, even though my original plans didn't work out.

    Today I did not have to attend classes, due to Student Led Conferences, which I was lucky enough not to have to go to. Originally I was supposed to go over to Zak's to watch a movie, but he overslept and then got grounded. Yet, it was a rare sunny day, so I did not feel like sitting at home working on math, french and biology. Instead, I phoned up Emily and told her to come take photos with me. After we met up and started walking, Emily stated that she was hungry and wanted food. We stopped to get various types of candy, pop and sushi.

    The impromptu picnic ended up being at the wharf, where we took some photos and just relaxed.







    In conclusion, an amazing day, I can't wait for Sunday!

    How was your day?

Thoughts