If I wish hard enough, maybe I'll find the capability to put this into words.
I want this blank page to fill with words. Words that would tell how I'm feeling to anyone that reads them. More so that I want to read it for my own benefit, to know what I'm feeling.
Often that's what happens with my blog entries, I open the blank page and just start typing, allowing the tangled thoughts in my mind to find a more solid shape. As fucked up as it is, I re-read all my entries several times, looking for all my hidden meanings and figuring out what I truly needed to say. The truth is, I blog for myself more than others. I don't care that a majority of my blogs have made the list of top blogs, because I'm not in this for popularity, I'm just trying to figure myself out.
I do not often find myself shocked or at a loss for words, yet here I am struggling to find anything tangible in my mind to form a sentence. That one text message, worded just so, cause me to lose my grip on reality and on logic. I slipped into a trance, unable to do much more than text and Facebook chat.
This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but it is extremely unlike me. I am impatient and fidgety, I don't sit still, nor do I waste time. I redirect energy into distractions, not sitting staring at a wall. IT'S NOT EVEN A FUCKING ATTRACTIVE WALL.
Basically. I want to punch something. Gah. This blog didn't help me realize anything. That's sad. I was hoping for some revelation, some answers.
(oh- and I am extremely glad that I got a chance to catch up with you, Kaeli. Three hours after you asked me if I needed someone to talk to, we were talking like things hadn't gotten so fucked between us. As surprised as I am to admit this, I really enjoyed talking to you again.)
Do you blog for yourself or others?